- Insert optimistic title here -

I've said it before, I'll say it again - running is what we do best. It's the easy way out. Tiring, yes, but also easy. Leave it all behind you, make a clean break, start over - it's what we want, somewhere deep down inside.

Confession : I'm a serial runner. Most people run when they're afraid, when they feel like they don't have the strength, when they're unsure and need time to think...when they're angry, even. Not me. I just run. All the time. Classic example? One of my all-time favourite stories - a couple of years ago, when I was young(er) and stupid(er), I thought I was falling in love with someone. I convinced myself, and, to a certain extent, him, that I wasn't worth it, that he deserved better - and then I ran.

See what I mean? I've always played it safe. Minimum risk ensures minimum pain, minimum loss, minimum damage. Or so I thought. Turns out, it works, but only for a couple of years, tops. I got over this guy, sure, but only after a lot of pain.

The best part? I wasn't even in love.

Which brings me to the really fun part. I found myself in a rather pathetic situation recently. I fell in love (stupid thing to do, really) with someone. He doesn't feel that way about me, he doesn't want to be with me (which, on a side note, really bruises the ego. Admitting it on a public forum like this? Man, my ego is now non-existent. So yes, let's get it out there. I love him, he doesn't love me. I want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with me.).

Ouch

Anyway, my first instinct was to run. I had everything planned - I'd move away, find a job elsewhere, and just not see him again for a couple of years. It doesn't matter where I work or what job I do - it's more or less the same where ever I go - so I thought, okay, let's do this. Get out of his life, find a way to push him out of mine for now so that we can be 'friends' in a couple of years, just like he wants, and we're all good.

Piece of cake, right? Except, I started spending more time with him after I decided to run. Sort of like saying goodbye over a couple of weeks. Everything's the same. We still talk and laugh all the time, there's enough sparks to set the place on fire, and he is probably the only person I can be myself with.

Which made me realise how stupid I was being. Running away, cutting off from him completely - who was I kidding? I was being a coward, too afraid to bear the pain of seeing him with someone else, primarily.

Something changed last night. Somewhere between hugging my pillow, crying myself to sleep (as is the norm these days) and waking up with my pulse sky-rocketing after a particularly nasty nightmare, I decided to stay. I decided to stop running, stop blaming myself for everything, and stop being so hard on myself. I decided to stay. It's not going to be easy. There's going to be pain and angst and the heartache will go on for years, but I am Not. Going. To. Run.

So there.

Now all I need to do is find a job, get back into dance, and find some strength to deal with the consequences of not taking the easy way out.

Right. So - anybody looking to hire a psychologist?