The Essential (Incomplete) Guide To Dating Part I - What Kind of Date Are You On?

I like dates.

Not the grow-on-trees variety, but the charming-and-possibly-good-looking-man variety. Okay, well, I like both, but for now, let's stick to the latter.

Right. So. Let's get started.

What Kind Of Date Are You On?

1. The Boring Blind Date
Your friend(s) thought it would be really cool to get the two of you talking. It's the "O.M.G.!!!! He's so cute! You TOTALLY have to meet him...he's just your type!!!" kind of thing.
You get there, and after the first half hour, realise that there is absolutely nothing to talk about. At all.
The rest of the date goes by slowly, filled with disturbingly loud awkward silences and general chit chat about the weather.

2. The Awkward Sexual Tensions Date
You meet, sparks fly, and people around you feel uncomfortable because you're giving off the "you-me-bed-right-now" vibes without really touching each other or even looking at each other.
Rest of the date involves looking into each other's eyes, looking anywhere else to try and slow the building tension, and then a mad dash for the nearest private/secluded area.

3. The Wow, You're Boring Date
Self explanatory. You meet, one party talks incessantly about the only thing he/she knows about, probably because he/she knows that if any other topic of conversation is brought up, he/she is going to look/sound like a bimbo/blonde/very stupid/kinda dumb/like a moron (etc).
The rest of the date involves trying to find something you can BOTH talk about. Does not usually end well.

4. The We're So In Love, We Make People Around Us Want To Throw Up Date
You're so in love, you walk into walls/doors/pillars/electric poles/unsuspecting people/off a steep cliff, because you're too busy looking into each other's eyes and wordlessly declaring your undying love for and devotion to each other. It's all rainbows and sunshine, and people around you want to kill you because you're in the way.
The rest of the date involves possible PDA (which is illegal/frowned upon in a lot of places, so beware), calling each other ridiculous pet names, and being generally disoriented.

5. The Why Don't You Love Me Too Date
Obvious power play here. One person is clearly calling the shots, while the other desperately tries to do anything and everything to make an impression/prove their undying love and devotion. It's sad to watch and makes people around you look away in shame/embarrassment.
The rest of the date involves grovelling and begging and possibly some anger/frustration. It can end in really good behind-closed-doors um..."stuff", or in tears/anger.

6. The Pity Date
The best and worst kind. By definition, this happens when one person is way out of the other's league, but asks the latter out anyway out of pity/out of the goodness of his or her heart/out of curiosity/out of "maybe he or she has a good personality or something I can work with"/out of "meh. I guess he or she will do for now"/out of "not my type, but let me see where this goes".
The date involves very friend-zone talking, hugging and mild flirting. Some eye contact may be involved, which may be misleading to either party if not clarified immediately with a "huh? Oh...no, no. I wasn't thinking anything. Just looking". Date may end well, with a lingering kiss that leaves you wanting more, a long hug and plans for the next time. Date may end badly with a handshake and friend-zone short hug that essentially says "I'm kinda not into you, but thanks anyway, I had a great time". Date may also end with a body-contact 'mmm...you smell nice'/'mmm...this feels good' hug, an awkward kiss on the cheek and one party talking too much because of sudden, unexplained nervousness.


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Disclaimer
If this hurts or offends you in any way, good. Also, the list is kinda incomplete. Additions will be made in the future depending on experiences.