Act V, Scene III

It's like a slap in your face.

A new picture, innocent in its place, smirks at you from your laptop screen, and it should be okay, you should be okay with it, but something inside begins to hurt, with that familiar ache. New links clicked, pages change. The pain remains and you pretend not to notice. Ignorance is bliss, they say. What's that? No guarantees? Hold on while I go ask for a refund.

In a few days your life will change faster than you can snap your fingers. Leaving behind friends and feelings, you have to move on...there's nothing left for you here anymore. Don't even consider opening that other offer letter. Staying here brings pain. Leave. There's nothing for you here anymore.

It's like a slap in your face.

Running away is so much easier. Pretend you can't see the obvious, turn away and breathe normally. When pain rams into you with the force of a freight truck and knocks you off your feet, laugh at how silly you are, get up, smile, and move on. There's nothing for you here anymore. There's no point in staying to fight. Leave.

How do you say goodbye? Two and a half years is long time. When you get used to having him around, when you get used to knowing that he'll always be there no matter what, when you get used to knowing that he's always just a phone call away? What happens then? That last hug, that hesitation to let go, that last intertwining of your fingers. So many lasts. What happens now, now that there's that sense of finality? The knowledge that this is the last time? What happens when something rooted so deep is going to be pulled out, taking a part of you with it?

It's like a slap in your face.

It stings. It hurts. It leaves you dazed. It leaves a mark. It's real. It's a slap in your face.

SoP blues...

I've been sitting at my laptop for a couple of days now, trying to frame an essay that will convince the Admissions Offices of universities to accept me as a student. It's tough.

Why do I love psychology? I just do! Why do I want to study Child Psychology? Because I like kids and the way their minds work. What are my future plans with regard to the course? I really don't know, I'm hoping to get a job somewhere!

And then of course, why am I suited for this course? Because I'm told that I'm good at understanding people. And that I'm better at understanding children. Also because, apparently (credit to RoMan for this) I have "too much empathy" for my own good.

What am I supposed to say?? Whatever I type onto that blank page sounds so corny, I wouldn't give me admission!

Very depressing...but then again, it's inspired me to blog after a long time.

Well, in other news, I passed my Driver's License exam today, making me a "driver", according to my Dad.

Also went to BU today, which is conveniently situated in the middle of nowhere (like our apartment here in the city, and like the airport). The campus is huge, the people are rude and obnoxious, and there were no students anywhere. Go figure. For my fellow graduates (how I love saying that) who are applying for various certificates through BU, be warned - if you thought the office people in our (ex) college were rude and impossible, you'll be stunned by the (ahem) warmth and love you get at BU.

In yet other news, I had my first professional-ish movie audition the other day. It didn't work out, but was quite an experience! (Okay, be honest...how many of you have that horrified expression on your face? The one that says "What?? Wait...let me read that again - she said something positive? Impossible!! Gasp!!!"? Go on..be honest. I won't judge.) Well, but yeah, things seem to be finally looking up on this side of hell. (I'm currently listening to sappy love-is-lost songs, but let's just ignore that, yeah?)

Well, I must go back to staring at that blank document. It fascinates me. Empty space. I like empty spaces.

No wait...correction. I like dark empty spaces.

Fear

It's a perfectly natural response to...anything. But when it comes to fearing the future, things get especially complicated. Do you take a risk and then take things as they come? Or do you just leave things be and play it safe?

Case I - Take a risk, because the only things you regret in life are the risks you never took.

So you plunge in. You say, yeah, I know I'm probably going to get hurt...but this is what I want, and I'm going to try anyway. Two outcomes -

Perfect scenario - Things work out. You get what you want, things work out eventually despite a rough road, and everybody's happy.

Worst case - Things don't work out, either in the beginning, or towards the end. You end up disappointed, life feels like hell.

So I'm thinking... So what if things don't work out? At least you've given it a shot...sure, life will be hell for a while afterward, but things will look up again, right? (Someone with the optimism gene please continue this...I don't do optimism.)

Case II - Play it safe, because it's better to be safe than hurt in the future.

So you leave things the way they are. Life feels like crap, but you're glad that you know that what you feared won't happen.

Perfect scenario - Things work out. Something else comes along, and life starts to look better.

Worst case - You wake up 7 years down the line and look at your life, and think, "What if I had given it a shot?" ...and you won't know, because it's just too late.

So I'm thinking... I don't know which is worse...playing it safe and spending everyday hoping for something better to come along, or playing it safe and then waking up in another 7 years wishing for a time machine.

The solution?

Go ahead and take the plunge while being prepared for the worst? Or play it safe and pray to every supernatural being you know?

That is the question(s).

Of warm, fuzzy feelings

Yes, I'm still single.

Met El today after a long time. It's amazing what meeting someone you love after ages can do to you. I already feel happier. We roamed around playing tour guide to Dr. Tourist, shopping for kurtas, speaking in ridiculous south Indian accents, eating chaat, and trying to convince Dr. Tourist that it was scientifically impossible to "fly out of an auto" (yes, the yellow and black three-wheeled contraptions). Sample conversation -

Dr. T - "Oh no...ohno ohno ohno ohno...*yelp*...aaah!!! ohno no no no *hold onto sides of auto*"

El - "Chill ya...nothing will happen unless the auto topples or something"

Me - (mockingly) "AAAH!! Oh no!!! We're all gonna die!!! AAH!!"

So yes, we had a really good time. El kept us entertained with little tidbits of information - history and culture mainly...and then some geography. Apparently a couple of years ago, the place I'm staying in now wasn't even part of this city. :/ Go figure.

The highlight of the day was finding a shop named "Dirty Fashions (for the pretty ones)" on Comm Street. Very amusing. According to El, at one point of time, back when this city "was a sane South Indian place", women didn't really wear trousers or t-shirts, and this shop was the only place things like that were available. Hence the name. I'm still smiling.

Also met Ergoplum today, but of course, the boy was too busy and couldn't spend more than 3 minutes with me. hmph...best friend it seems.

Well, coming back to the point, warm fuzzy feelings are in fashion today. El is like my personal happy place/person. Get yours today.

Choir practice starts tomorrow morning at the Place-Where-I-Studied for our graduation ceremony, which is on the 30th. Yes, I'm (finally) graduating. All of us in the choir who are graduating will be singing (yes, for our own graduation). I can't wait. If there's one thing I'll miss about college life, it's singing with the choir.

Well, that's about it for now. Must sleep. Ta, my loves!

Liar, Liar

Remember those fairy tales you read when you were little? About the prince and the princess who went through all the crap and managed to find each other in the end and live happily ever after?

It's a lie.

The whole bleeding thing...the entire lot of them...all lies. In the real world, the prince and the princess go through all the crap and then hurt each other and walk out of each other's lives. It's what we do best as people.

We run.

It's so much easier. Run in the other direction, lock yourself in a room with the curtains drawn.

Darkness is always comforting.

In fairy tales, darkness is evil and cold. In the real world, darkness is solace and comfort. It's your safety net. No one lies to you in the dark. No one sees tears or pain. It's all good.

They're all liars.

They make you believe that true love is worth everything in the end. They lied. All of them. In the end the only thing you have is a goodbye note in one hand and your hospital bills in the other.

And yet, we're fools.

We convince ourselves that it will never happen again, that it's impossible for it to happen again. But Cupid is a sly, cunning and ruthless predator. Just the slightest slip, a pause for rest even, and he'll strike.

Stupid little winged arrow-shooting sadist.

Rare moment...

This is one of those rare moments in my life when I'm feeling romantic. Just go with it, yeah?

Following talk of marriage and preparations for related events, I realized today that I'd want a man who, every once in a while, will pamper me a little...not all the time, but every once in a while...'coz it feels good to be taken care of, to have someone wanting you to be happy.

I'd want a man who'd want nothing more than to see me smile. Now this may sound a little out of character for me, but I'd like to be with a man whose world revolves around me...I'm not being egoistic here, mind. Call it a...childish fantasy, if you will. I'm entitled to my moments of girly, thank you very much. At the risk of sounding like your local high school cheerleader/bimbo/prom queen, I'd want a man that will treat me like a princess. (Yes, princess. I couldn't find another word for it. Goddess didn't fit.)

I'd want to end up married to a man who loves me more than anything or anyone else in the world. And yes, when I marry, it will be for love.

Okay. That's about my limit of mushy for the day. Now I will be myself.

So yes, I know I promised to write more often and then completely disappeared off the grid, but in my defense, I'm on HOLIDAY. (Read : I've been lazy.)

So... being at home has been rather tough, tougher than I expected. I didn't study in this city, and thus have no friends here. Two of my friends from college, Lebz and Manny are here too...of course, Manny had to run off and go to the UK for a trip...and Lebz and I are both bored. And lazy. Well, more like lazy and bored. But yeah, whatever. One feeds the other.

Anyway, so turns out Abu Dhabi is The Place To Be. There's so much to do here, except that I don't fancy doing ANY of those things with my Mom or sisters. I mean, yay family and all that crap, but hey...I'd rather sit at home and surf the net than go places with my family.

Well, big day tomorrow, so more later...!

P.S. - If any of you know a guy that matches the description above, let me know! NOW!

Abu Dhabi calling. Answered.

Yes, I'm back, after a long break. And yes, I missed you all.

So I'm home, on my first vacation in three years. I landed yesterday and I'm already bored.

Ill Effects Of Being Over-Worked # 137 - You get bored on your first day of vacation and don't know the meaning of the word "relax".

None of my journeys ever go without a glitch, given my luck. This time, surprisingly, I didn't miss my flight, didn't have a connection flight to (literally) run after, didn't have a creepy weirdo making passes at me, and didn't have an extended wait at the airport while my flight decided whether or not it wanted to be more than two hours late.

But of course, something has to go wrong. So I had excess baggage. 3900 INR worth excess baggage. That's about 315 AED. Not fun. I mean, that was a LARGE portion of all the money I had saved up for so long!!! Very irritating.

Then I had a relatively uneventful flight to Dubai. Except the handsome steward. * sigh *...ever wondered how all the good ones are invariably taken, married, gay or dead? After landing in Dubai, I had my co-passenger's heavy trolley bag fall on my head from the overhead locker, waited in the parking lot for an hour till the bus going to Abu Dhabi decided to show up, and then got home to two screaming sisters and a very, very emotional mother.

So much for that.

I'm BORED!

Coming soon: Things to do in Abu Dhabi. Watch this space.

I have to start putting up my CV on those annoying job sites now. * sigh *

Well, so much for the What's-Happening-In-My-Life post...watch this space for more stuff...I'm bored out of my wits now, so will update soon. (Read : A Lot)

Ta!

Graduation Wish List

Okay, parents, it's time. I'm going to be graduating on May 30th. Now, some people I know are being gifted cars and apartments and stuff...but my wish-list is more...finance-friendly. :D So here goes, the one list that every girl makes without fail -

THE GRADUATION WISH LIST

1. A kitten. No, really. They're fun, they don't smell, and they take care of themselves. Cats are the best pets to have. And I love them.

2. The Nokia MusicExpress 5610. Yes, Dad, I can see you narrowing your eyes, but I need a new phone anyway, and might as well get this one. Very nice model. And much better than that Samsung HyperSensitive thing you're carrying around.

3. A digital SLR. I mean, drool!!!

4. A kitten.

5. A really nice saree for the graduation ceremony.

Yeah...that's it.

See? I said I'd be nice...!

:D :D

Packing up my life...

It's not easy. No one said it would be.

Packing up three years into suitcases.

Throwing away photocopies, copies of assignments, assignments, old exam papers...

Packing up my books right at the bottom of the bag I won't be taking home with me.

Looking at my room, my home for the past two years, clothes strewn around like dazed hurricane victims, books and papers lying around as my room mate packs her belongings into her numerous bags.

I had to leave. I can't stay in that room right now.

The pain...the pain of flipping through the back pages of your note book and finding an exchange there, a fading memory of a boring lecture that my best friend and I found so hilarious.

Finding poetry by B and I, illogical scribbles that made sense to no one but me and him.

It hurts. SO much. To leave behind the people you love, to pack up three years' worth of memories.

You end this life and start on a new page somewhere else, somewhere new, with new people, new friends, new lifestyle.

And it's scary. Incredibly frightening. To think of the unfamiliar. To be unsure.

What am I going to do next? What if I don't make friends? Where will I work? Will anyone hire me? How trapped will I feel, to not have the freedom of living alone?

How long will it take before I lose it completely and go crazy?

So many questions. So many answers. So much pain, so much regret.

I miss you. Yes, I know you're reading this, and you know I'm talking about you. I miss you. Already. And you know the pain won't dull when I leave. For either of us.

I'm packing up my life, my love.

Is this goodbye?

Curtain Call...

No, this is not my final post. I just like the sound of this title.

So...it's exam time, again. Nothing new there. As I have mentioned in about a hundred posts before this one, the only thing we seem to do in The Place Where I Study is write exams and do pointless assignments and projects.

Anyway. So tomorrow is my second paper, also the second most boring paper, Industrial Psychology. A surprisingly large number of people find this paper interesting. I don't. I can't stand it. My book is here too, right next to me, gesturing furtively while mouthing "look over here". Ignored.

So Body Shop (did I just see some of you sit up?) has this awesome slashed prices thing at Lido Mall, near Trinity Circle, M.G. Road, Bangalore, India, that I went to yesterday. Simply because I could live and die in a place that smells so good. For those of you who think I'm un-girly, think again! At least, in this case. If you gave me a million bucks I would spend 40% of it on Body Shop. I love those yummy smelling things. Maybe I should just quit Psychology and go into Aromatherapy. If my mom doesn't kill me first, that is.

(The other 60% will be spent on assorted technology, in case you were wondering. I can spend a whole day and not get bored in two places - an electronics store and Body Shop.)

So, yes, in case any of you darlings are thinking of buying me a goodbye gift, I would love a gift voucher from Body Shop.

For those of you selfish people who are not thinking of buying me a gift, I strongly recommend from Body Shop -
1. Strawberry Body Butter - absolute heaven, spreads on your skin in the most yummy way and is very non-greasy. Which is why I am in love with it.
2. 'Oceanus' Body Mist - olfactory delight, this one. Just puts you in a good mood. It has this very, very light fruity scent, barely detectable...makes you want more.
3. Strawberry Shower Gel - smells yummy, moisturizes, and is perfect for any skin type. Absolute Genius. If you live with other people, don't buy it - you might just live in the bathroom because it smells so good.

So much for that. No, I have not been paid by Body Shop to advertise, although I would like it very much. *sigh*

So...my last exam is in 9 days and I just can't wait. I'm leaving for home in about 8 days after that though...oh wait...that's what I'm happy about.

I realized, after a night of doing nothing, staring into space, pretending to be studying, that... Oh...you guys HAVE to check out http://xkcd.com/ ...sheer brilliance. However, you have been warned...it's very addictive.

Anyway, I think I should sit with my books now before they feel left out and disintegrate out of self-pity. Attention-seeking printed pages.

Ta!