All I want

What They Never Taught You

When you look in the mirror and can't find a thing to love because you're looking at yourself through someone else's mind, stand really, really close to the mirror, and just look at your eyes. They're beautiful.

When you're feeling so low that you're walking around with your eyes on the ground, look up at the people around you. They're all dealing with problems of their own, and one of the only things giving them that strength is knowing that they're not alone, because people like you are having awful days too.

When you think you don't have the strength, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Of course you have the strength. You just need to sit still for a moment, be quiet for a moment, and put your thoughts in order - slowly.

When you don't have the confidence to go talk to that super-hot guy you like, think about your eyes, how beautiful they are, and then smile at him instead. When you feel beautiful, when you find something about yourself to love, everybody around you sees it too.

These are valuable lessons I've learnt over the past couple of months.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I was driving on autopilot earlier today, and before I knew it, I was outside your house. I could never remember how to get there, I always had to call...and yet, there I was, sitting in my car, staring at your gate. I sat there, crying, for a while, then got it together and started making my way out. I got lost, of course, and had to stop seven or eight times to get directions.

I was driving on autopilot later today, and before I knew it, I had stopped near my aunt's house, where we spent time talking and laughing and "testing the waters". I drove away before someone saw me and invited me in, asking me why I was sobbing, offering solace, tissues and advice.

I let go completely, and yet, every fibre of my being kept pulling me to you, to thoughts and memories of you.

I don't think I ever hated and pitied myself more.

I learnt a lesson today - only one of us is crying about this, and it's not you. So I've shut down that part of me, put it away. I'm numb and empty, and I don't feel like myself any more. On the bright side, though, you're not on my mind. I don't think about you, my subconscious has thrown you out...my unconscious mind now bears the pain and scars of my love for you.

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
...Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Pride, misunderstood.

Scared little girl
Under masks of smiles,
I'm so proud of you.

You know the pain will only ease
When you take your last breath,
And yet, here you are,
Under masks of smiles.

Standing up as tall as you can,
Looking the world in the eye,
Smiling and laughing and dancing and singing,
As if you have no care in the world -
I'm so proud of you.

When you're all alone at home, you take them off,
Lay them out on your bedside table,
As the tears you've cried all day slowly dry
From the cracking surfaces,
Pain warms the path it takes,
Trickling down your cheek.

You sob and cry, curled up in agony,
As your masks watch in porcelain silence,
Unable to help.

Climb into bed and pray for a new day,
Pray for strength,
Thank the heavens for your faithful masks,
And cry until you're too exhausted to move.

Fall asleep, dream restless dreams,
Wake up every hour or so -
Repeat.

When morning dawns,
Wash your tear stained face
And carefully place your masks
Over closed eyes and trembling lips.

Seal them in place with a prayer
And a shaky smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

A new day has come -
And I am so proud of you.

- Insert optimistic title here -

I've said it before, I'll say it again - running is what we do best. It's the easy way out. Tiring, yes, but also easy. Leave it all behind you, make a clean break, start over - it's what we want, somewhere deep down inside.

Confession : I'm a serial runner. Most people run when they're afraid, when they feel like they don't have the strength, when they're unsure and need time to think...when they're angry, even. Not me. I just run. All the time. Classic example? One of my all-time favourite stories - a couple of years ago, when I was young(er) and stupid(er), I thought I was falling in love with someone. I convinced myself, and, to a certain extent, him, that I wasn't worth it, that he deserved better - and then I ran.

See what I mean? I've always played it safe. Minimum risk ensures minimum pain, minimum loss, minimum damage. Or so I thought. Turns out, it works, but only for a couple of years, tops. I got over this guy, sure, but only after a lot of pain.

The best part? I wasn't even in love.

Which brings me to the really fun part. I found myself in a rather pathetic situation recently. I fell in love (stupid thing to do, really) with someone. He doesn't feel that way about me, he doesn't want to be with me (which, on a side note, really bruises the ego. Admitting it on a public forum like this? Man, my ego is now non-existent. So yes, let's get it out there. I love him, he doesn't love me. I want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with me.).

Ouch

Anyway, my first instinct was to run. I had everything planned - I'd move away, find a job elsewhere, and just not see him again for a couple of years. It doesn't matter where I work or what job I do - it's more or less the same where ever I go - so I thought, okay, let's do this. Get out of his life, find a way to push him out of mine for now so that we can be 'friends' in a couple of years, just like he wants, and we're all good.

Piece of cake, right? Except, I started spending more time with him after I decided to run. Sort of like saying goodbye over a couple of weeks. Everything's the same. We still talk and laugh all the time, there's enough sparks to set the place on fire, and he is probably the only person I can be myself with.

Which made me realise how stupid I was being. Running away, cutting off from him completely - who was I kidding? I was being a coward, too afraid to bear the pain of seeing him with someone else, primarily.

Something changed last night. Somewhere between hugging my pillow, crying myself to sleep (as is the norm these days) and waking up with my pulse sky-rocketing after a particularly nasty nightmare, I decided to stay. I decided to stop running, stop blaming myself for everything, and stop being so hard on myself. I decided to stay. It's not going to be easy. There's going to be pain and angst and the heartache will go on for years, but I am Not. Going. To. Run.

So there.

Now all I need to do is find a job, get back into dance, and find some strength to deal with the consequences of not taking the easy way out.

Right. So - anybody looking to hire a psychologist?

Letters (Part I) - Help, I think...

"Hey...

Okay I know this is uncharacteristic of me, but I need advice, and you make sense.

I love him and hate him in equal measure.
On some days, I want nothing more than to just lock myself up in a room with him and just be in his arms all day long, not saying anything, not doing anything.
On other days, I hate his guts. I hate the way he talks and the things he says, and I just can't be bothered to even pretend I care about him or anything in his life.

For the past couple of months, I've been hating him more than loving him. Almost every day, I wake up and wonder why I'm with him...when did I forget all the things I loved about him? When did we lose our spark? Why do I not want to be with him any more, when he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me? When did I fall out of love?

I want to end it, want to walk away from the relationship before things get worse and the pain intensifies...but I know you'll say something different. Talk to me, woman. Knock some sense into my head, help me salvage this, because God knows, I love this man."


--


"You said it - you love him. That's all you need.

What you're experiencing is a rough patch. Every relationship goes through a couple of those - it's a sign of a mature relationship between two independent, strong-minded people. :) Don't throw something this good away because you haven't been "feeling it" for a couple of months.

Take a week off work. Go somewhere, just the two of you. Put away your cell phones and PDAs, tell everyone else you know that you'll be off the grid for a week. Then, spend the week reminding yourselves of all the things you found attractive in each other when you first met.

Once you're in a secure relationship, it's so easy to slip into routine and forget to flirt or tease every once in a while. Flirting, holding hands, texting, calling, teasing, making fun of pretty much everyone around you - everything you did in the beginning served one main purpose - it built reassurance, and reassurance, subtle or obvious, is probably one of the most important factors responsible for keeping a relationship alive.

Fall out of love? What a ridiculous notion. You've told me so many times that you think he's amazing, that you want to marry him some day. You haven't fallen out of love, honey, you've just hit a rough patch.

The two of you are so good together. Why throw it away when you can fix it? Love so intense and so pure is hard to come by. If it made you smile at one point of time, it has the potential to do so again. Go slow over these rough, bumpy roads - it's the best way.

So go. Plan a vacation. Leave your cell phones at home and go enjoy each other's company.

Flirt a little.

Laugh.

Love.

Talk.

Don't throw away what can be fixed...and remember to go slow."

Karma

It hurts to breathe.

My sheets smell of you.

My home, my sanctuary, my strongest memories of you.

Of us.

I can't breathe.


Karma,

I have paid my dues. You gave me more than I deserved - I spent my whole life trying to remember what I did to make you hate me so much. I've said nothing so far, but now, I must speak. Stop. There is too much pain.

I'm sure I've paid my dues...haven't I? I don't think I can handle more pain than this.


It hurts to breathe...so please, stop.

The Essential (Incomplete) Guide to Dating Part II - How to Hurt Your Partner

Indifference. Callous indifference.

That's all it takes, and it's a wonderful tool, really - it tells the other person that you really Just. Don't Care.

You can make it worse by caring about someone else's similar situation.

And then add the whole "do-what's-best" thing.

There. Foolproof formula, works like a charm.

Now, I'm no expert on relationships, but I'm pretty certain that reassurance plays a key role in holding things together at some basic level. We have this need for reassurance, usually unconscious.

It's important to your partner to know that you care, and that makes it important for you to show them you care. Ergo, one of the easiest ways to hurt your partner is to be indifferent. Callously so, if you can pull it off. Say "okay" or "cool" for everything. Make it a point to never, ever, show him/her how much he/she means to you. Do this for a while, say, about a month or so, and one of two things will happen. Either he/she will find his/her self-esteem crumbling and his/her insecurities (whatever they may be, even unrelated), multiplying, or he/she will walk out of your life, hate you, and curse your existence.

Now here's where it gets interesting. If your partner loves you, is in love with you, and thinks the world of you, your indifference will usually lead to the former reaction.

Why, you ask?

Because reassurance, trust, and love go hand-in-hand. When someone you love (with an intensity that scares even you) is indifferent, it makes you feel flawed, even when you aren't. It makes you question yourself, makes you feel worthless, makes you look in the mirror and have thoughts similar to the following : "Why doesn't he/she care about me? What can I possibly do to make him/her care? It's because I'm unattractive, isn't it? He/she thinks I'm not worth it, not worth the time. Oh god, I wish I was prettier/smarter/thinner/taller/.../..."

And that's how it works.

If you want to be especially cruel, be indifferent for a few weeks, and then be the most loving, giving, caring, person you could possibly be - for a day, or even just a few hours. Pay generic compliments, look deep into your partner's eyes and don't say anything, apologise for being such an awful human being, and hold him/her tight for a while. Then, once he/she is out of sight, go back to the indifference - you can almost feel the pain. It's so...raw.

Now, somewhere along this process, you may realise that you're being an asshole, and your brain (yes, brain - "logic" absolutely has to be your fall-back excuse here, also, the heart just ruins everything with all that mushy crap) will try and justify your behaviour so that your conscience just shuts the f**k up. Go with it. It will make you genuinely believe that you're doing nothing wrong, leading to even more indifference. Isn't that just absolutely wonderful?

So, to summarise :
1. Be indifferent
2. Let yourself show some emotion every once in a while
3. Go back to being indifferent.

1, 2, 3 - it really is as simple as that.

I am a woman. I am beautiful.

You feel unattractive. You look in the mirror sometimes, hating yourself, hating your body, desperately wanting to be someone else. You find yourself wishing (sometimes with so much negativity, it scares you), that you were just a little thinner, just a cup size bigger, just a shade fairer, just a bit taller.

You hate yourself. You cry. You hate yourself some more.

Because you don't see what I see.

I see your eyes. They're warm. They've seen love, they've known hate. They've witnessed ridicule and mockery, they've shed tears for men that don't deserve anything.

I see your smile, like a ray of sunshine on a cold, dark, cloudy day.

I see the way your eyes scrunch up when you laugh. I hear your laughter. Like innocence.

I see a glow on your face that no make-up can replicate.

I see the soft curls of your hair.

I see the uninterrupted smoothness of your skin.

I see the pain etched in every fibre of your being, of men and women in your past - I see you stand tall and look the world in the eye with strength that can only come from that kind of pain.

I see how much you give. You give, give, and give some more, and rarely get anything in return.

I see you light up like a full moon in the darkest night sky, your sheer brilliance, your radiance, that heart of gold, makes all the stars around you look like bits of tin foil.

How can you not see what I see?

How can you let someone tell you otherwise?

Big, medium-sized, small, tall, short, big breasts, no breasts, skinny, fat, long hair, short hair, no hair - it doesn't matter.

You're beautiful for who you are, for who you've become, for the way you've graciously accepted everything life has thrown your way, for the way you can smile through anything.

You are gorgeous when you close your eyes and tilt your face up towards the sun.

You are stunning when the wind blows through your hair and when you dance in the rain.

Here's the thing, see. It's not about how skinny you are. It never has been. Society's definition of beauty changes every decade. Nobody has the right to make you feel unattractive. No one is perfect enough to tell you that you're not.

Ignore the immature. Forgive them, for they can't see what I see. They have so much more to learn. Love brings happiness, it is beautiful, more so when you know you're with someone that doesn't care about your wait-to-hip ratio. That kind of happiness radiates from the core of your being. It makes you stronger.

You are a woman. You are beautiful. You have some meat on your bones? That's okay. You are skinny and flat-chested? That's okay, too. It doesn't define who you are, you see. It doesn't change who you can be. Some day soon, someone will love you for who you are. There will be no mockery, no "I-was-joking" insults, no pressure, however subtle or unintentional, on you to change who you are, change what you look like. There will be no "if only"s, no side-stepping, no embarrassment to tell people that you're together. Just love, pure and simple, the kind that makes you smile for no reason, the kind that makes you feel as beautiful as you are.

Unconditional, unchanging, solid, happy love that makes you want to tell everyone you know how amazing it is to know that someone loves you for exactly who you are.

You deserve that kind of love.

You are beautiful.

Tonight

Tell me something I want to hear.
You love me,
You need me.
Show me how much I mean to you.
I love it when you do.

Look into my eyes,
Make me lose my train of thought.
Make my heart skip a beat,
My pulse race.
Take my breath away.

Put your lips
Against my hair,
Your arms around me.
Pull me closer,
And tell me something I want to hear.

Breathe.

‎Follow that sinking feeling and collapse, fall to the earth in despair.

Be a bird for a while, break out of that golden cage, and soar as high as your fear will let you.

Feel the dizzying passion of a single glance across the river, drowning out every sound except that of your heartbeat.

Experience that innocent blush, that fiery anger, that first touch, that heady rush of love.

Lash out in anger, cower in fear, cry out in pain, jump for joy.


...There is nothing more liberating than dance.

It's almost time.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare.

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Throw your soul threw every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow



I. Love. This. Song.

Pick me

"Okay here it is. Your choice. It' s simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But... I love you.... in a really, really big ... pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window...unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me."

--
Meredith Grey
'Grey's Anatomy'


Make a move. Make a choice. Either break my heart with everything you've got, so I never fall in love again and put myself through this again...or love me with everything you've got and make me the happiest woman on the planet.

Escape

Why won't you let me love you?

A simple question. A loaded gun. Let's play a little game of Russian Roulette.

Just pull the trigger. There is no pain greater than this.

Convince yourself that you don't deserve it. Self pity, such a shame.

Drown.

Gasp for breath, cry. Scream.

No one can hear you.

This is what you deserve. Serves you right. One simple rule - don't ever trust. Anyone. Serves you right. You deserve this. Pull the trigger.

Love. One word. Once, just once, it brought a smile to your lips, colour to my cheek. It was never your choice to make.

One word that single-handedly destroyed us. Everything. Me.

You're fine. You always are. You will be. Always.

Mistakes. Pain. Loss. Silence. Pain. Tears.

In this tug-of-war, you'll always win, even when I'm right...

Falling in love again? There's an end in sight, more pain.

Go on... Fall. Plummet. Crash. The end is near.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness, cold and pure. Comforting, calming, clarifying darkness.

Masochist. That'll teach you.

Cry your tears, learn your lesson. Swear to yourself that it will never happen again... Then turn around and do it all over again.

For the love of pain, for the love of love.

Pull the trigger. There is no pain greater than this. Silly, delusional woman-child. You don't deserve what's on the other side. This is what you get. This is what you deserve.

Grin and bear it. Learn to love the pain.


There is no escape.

3 Signs You're Dating A Retard (the good kind)

You've always had your doubts - now you can be sure.

There are several kinds of retards. This particular kind may also be referred to as being "crack". So here they are - 3 Signs that tell you you're dating a retard :

Sign 1
He has no sense of timing. At all. Oh, he'll be punctual and everything if he needs to be, but won't know what to say when. Which brings us to

Sign 2
He says the lamest, most inappropriate things. Things that don't make sense. Things that have no context.
Which leaves you with a tough choice to make - hit him over the head? Or laugh at how absurd the whole thing is?

Sign 3
He goes from having a very serious conversation/discussion to goofing off and saying lame, inappropriate things (as mentioned above) in less than 30 seconds. Yes, he will actually let you time him, if you ask. He might even be more enthusiastic about it than you.



--
Disclaimer : The word "retard" is used here colloquially, and does not mean "late" or "affected by mental retardation". :/

What are you doing tonight?

Maybe I'm saying too much,
After all, I just met you
But I've got to say just what I feel
I hope it won't upset you -

I think you're the one
I've been dreaming of,
With a little time
We might fall in love.

So what're you doing tonight?
What're you doing tonight?
The wind is warm and the stars are bright -
What're you doing tonight?

Maybe I'm going too fast?
I really don't want to crowd you.
And who knows,
Maybe I'm wrong -
I know so little about you

But I think you're the one
I've been dreaming of,
With a little time
We might fall in love.

What're you doing tonight?
What're you doing tonight?
The wind is warm and the stars are bright -
What're you doing tonight?



--
Can't find this song anywhere...remember listening to it as a child.

A beginning

The café is noisy. Talking people. Music.

She looks up to find his eyes locked on hers, and for a moment, everything, including her heart, stills.

A moment.
A moment of silence.
A moment of not being able to think, not being able to breathe.

They're sitting next to each other, talking without saying words. They smile, laugh, and sing along to the (sometimes) sappy songs blaring through the speakers. Just two people enjoying a latte, a synthetic orange juice, and each other's company.

She's wondering what's on his mind when he's looking at her like that. She wants to ask him, but knows he'll (probably) say, "nothing". She wants to look up, look into his eyes, hold his gaze, but knows she can't...not in public...

Not when her pulse races every time he looks at her like that... Not when her breath catches like that.

It's been eight days. Eight days of texting and laughter. It had been so long, she'd almost forgotten.

Long after they've said goodbye, she finds herself smiling at something retarded he's said or done.

A joke.

A compliment.

He's so different from anyone else she's known - refreshingly honest, for one. Secure, confident, smart, funny... He makes her laugh. He makes her day, sometimes unknowingly, just being himself.

Most importantly, she finds it so easy to be herself around him...there are no masks, no hidden agendas, no mind games, no passive-aggressive control issues, no power plays.

He's on her mind, and she's started to realise that she likes having him around.

Maybe...

She looks at him over her latte, smiling to herself as he sings along.

Maybe.

The Essential (Incomplete) Guide To Dating Part I - What Kind of Date Are You On?

I like dates.

Not the grow-on-trees variety, but the charming-and-possibly-good-looking-man variety. Okay, well, I like both, but for now, let's stick to the latter.

Right. So. Let's get started.

What Kind Of Date Are You On?

1. The Boring Blind Date
Your friend(s) thought it would be really cool to get the two of you talking. It's the "O.M.G.!!!! He's so cute! You TOTALLY have to meet him...he's just your type!!!" kind of thing.
You get there, and after the first half hour, realise that there is absolutely nothing to talk about. At all.
The rest of the date goes by slowly, filled with disturbingly loud awkward silences and general chit chat about the weather.

2. The Awkward Sexual Tensions Date
You meet, sparks fly, and people around you feel uncomfortable because you're giving off the "you-me-bed-right-now" vibes without really touching each other or even looking at each other.
Rest of the date involves looking into each other's eyes, looking anywhere else to try and slow the building tension, and then a mad dash for the nearest private/secluded area.

3. The Wow, You're Boring Date
Self explanatory. You meet, one party talks incessantly about the only thing he/she knows about, probably because he/she knows that if any other topic of conversation is brought up, he/she is going to look/sound like a bimbo/blonde/very stupid/kinda dumb/like a moron (etc).
The rest of the date involves trying to find something you can BOTH talk about. Does not usually end well.

4. The We're So In Love, We Make People Around Us Want To Throw Up Date
You're so in love, you walk into walls/doors/pillars/electric poles/unsuspecting people/off a steep cliff, because you're too busy looking into each other's eyes and wordlessly declaring your undying love for and devotion to each other. It's all rainbows and sunshine, and people around you want to kill you because you're in the way.
The rest of the date involves possible PDA (which is illegal/frowned upon in a lot of places, so beware), calling each other ridiculous pet names, and being generally disoriented.

5. The Why Don't You Love Me Too Date
Obvious power play here. One person is clearly calling the shots, while the other desperately tries to do anything and everything to make an impression/prove their undying love and devotion. It's sad to watch and makes people around you look away in shame/embarrassment.
The rest of the date involves grovelling and begging and possibly some anger/frustration. It can end in really good behind-closed-doors um..."stuff", or in tears/anger.

6. The Pity Date
The best and worst kind. By definition, this happens when one person is way out of the other's league, but asks the latter out anyway out of pity/out of the goodness of his or her heart/out of curiosity/out of "maybe he or she has a good personality or something I can work with"/out of "meh. I guess he or she will do for now"/out of "not my type, but let me see where this goes".
The date involves very friend-zone talking, hugging and mild flirting. Some eye contact may be involved, which may be misleading to either party if not clarified immediately with a "huh? Oh...no, no. I wasn't thinking anything. Just looking". Date may end well, with a lingering kiss that leaves you wanting more, a long hug and plans for the next time. Date may end badly with a handshake and friend-zone short hug that essentially says "I'm kinda not into you, but thanks anyway, I had a great time". Date may also end with a body-contact 'mmm...you smell nice'/'mmm...this feels good' hug, an awkward kiss on the cheek and one party talking too much because of sudden, unexplained nervousness.


--
Disclaimer
If this hurts or offends you in any way, good. Also, the list is kinda incomplete. Additions will be made in the future depending on experiences.

Closure

I'm kicking you out of my heart - officially. You don't deserve me.

I'll always be here for you if and when you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or someone that will tell you how stupid you're being. Especially if you need someone to tell you how stupid you're being, but let's not go there now.

I deserve better. Someone that will treat me right. Someone who will make me laugh more than he makes me cry. Someone who will want to have me around, be proud to point to me and say, "yeah...I'm with her".

Don't get me wrong - you're a great guy. We've had some great times, and you'll always be one of the few men that make me feel safe...protected. I would still blindly trust you with my life. You're such a good person.

It breaks my heart to see your low self-esteem get the better of you.

You see, you let me convince myself that I wasn't worth it. It's my fault for even going there - but you did nothing to stop it. You played your passive aggressive manipulative mind games, hoping that I'd be broken enough to lean on no one but you for support, and that way, you'd have me around forever.

So let me clarify.

Yes, I will always be around - but that is by choice, not because I cannot live without you.

No, you came nowhere close to breaking me. I spent hours crying myself to sleep every night, regretting everything, every decision I made, every single thing I could have said or done differently. The pain was nearly unbearable. It took so much out of me to smile, to act normal. It hurt. You didn't break me...and I have my closest friends to thank for that - for reminding me that I'm too strong to let someone like you tear me apart.

This is goodbye in a lot of ways. It feels good.

After all this time, all it took was one line from you. I know you said it in anger - it hurt anyway.

I'll say it again - thank you for giving someone else the opportunity to get to know me.

Thank you for making it so easy for me to let go.

Hello there, blue eyes...

It's been a while since I played The Game.

When I finally found a worthy opponent, he disappeared on me. [:(]

I found myself looking for him all day today - but of course, he wasn't around.

It's disappointing, considering the lack of decent-looking men in this city.

*sigh*

Maybe tomorrow. A girl can hope, right?

In other news, no wait. Eyes. His eyes.

They were blue.

Maybe tomorrow?

Can't Touch This

All you had to do was take that tiny step, take a chance, risk it...but you were too afraid.

That's a good thing for me - no, really.

See, I'm worth so much more, and now someone else has the chance to see that, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

He's around the corner. He's going to be willing to hold on to me, no matter what, and he's going to be a very happy man.

Yes, I have my insecurities, like every woman.
I have days when I feel like I'm worth nothing.
I have days when I don't want to get out of bed and face the world.

Your words.
Your silences.
Your hesitation.

A wake up call, a moment of clarity.

You made me realise how foolish I was being. I kept trying to understand where you were coming from, why you were saying and doing all those things, and, in the process, I forgot all about me.

I forgot to congratulate myself for being so strong, for not falling apart, for not giving in, for not giving up.

I forgot that I've been through a lot too - it's not just you.

I forgot that I learnt valuable lessons from my experiences and mistakes.

I forgot to forgive myself, understand myself, and care for myself...because I was so busy trying to make your life easier.

It's a two-way street...and you just proved, in so many ways, that you don't deserve me.


Thank you for making it easier for me to let go.


This is goodbye.

A short post for a special someone

Hey, you. :)

Thank you for today. I can't stop smiling...and can't believe how easy it was - like we never lost touch in the first place.

It's rare, feeling so comfortable with someone after so many years.

So much has changed...and yet, so much is still the same...and I'm glad (yes, I know I keep saying that).

So here's my dedication to you, this short blog post. Because you can't handle anything longer...because you don't want "depth".

You're as adorable as ever... I can see what I saw in you back then. Please don't ever change.



Much love,
Your pillar. :)

I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

I want you to want me.

I want to be able to run into your arms when I'm afraid.

I want to be comforted by you, by the warmth of your soul.

I want to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I want to be the one you think you can show off to the world.

I want to be the one you think is worth your time, your love.

I want to sit next to you and not say anything.

I want to be the one you call when something goes wrong.

I want to be the one that makes you smile, even a little.

I want to dance for you.

I want to sing for you.

I want to show you what it means to be truly happy.

I want to show you that it shouldn't be this hard to fall in love, to be in love.

I want you to know that I'll stick around - no matter what.

I want you to believe that I'm worth it.

I want you to hold me close and not let go.

I want to be the last thought, the last image, on your mind before you fall asleep.

I want you to love me.

I hope you will forgive me...for this intensity, for everything.

I know I probably won't ever get what I want.

I wish it would stop hurting.

I wish I could switch off this part of my brain that thinks of no one but you.

I wish you'd realise how perfect we are. Together.

I want you to give us a chance.

Please do something, say something, before it's too late.

I'm caught up in you, spiralling out of control.

When I'm with you, when we talk, I feel like myself again.

You make it so easy for me to smile.

Please say something.

Break my heart with finality, or give me a glimmer of hope, however small.

Fight.

Fight with me, not against me.

I want you to realise that we're meant to be.

I want you to want me.

I want you to love me.

Toxic.

You're toxic.

Poison to my system.

The heaviness in my soul.

The one that makes me laugh.

The only one that makes me feel safe, protected.

The one.

I must dance again

And never stop dancing.

But, you see,

When I dance, I want you to be the one watching -

Not them.

I want you to love me.

Take a risk. Take a chance.

Pick me, choose me. Love me.

Poison paradise

You're toxic.

Spread through my body,
Send a shiver down my spine
Make my body numb.

Make my mind spiral
Into that state of darkness
Where there's only you.

Now tell me again -
That I'm not the one for you
Now kiss me again.

Hold me in your arms
And brush your lips against mine
No more. No more, love.

Release me from you
Your lips, your kiss, you're toxic
I can't get enough.

Release me from you
Let me go, my love, let me
Run away, my love.

Poison paradise
Is what you always will be
Let me run away.

Release me.

Oh who am I kidding?

Patheticity, or, Being Pathetic.

Characterised by :
Thinking about someone all the time
Sighing all the time
Waiting
Wishing
Wanting
Refusing to be distracted
Finding new meaning in random songs
Wanting to cry all the time

Other commonly occurring symptoms :
Insecurity
Insomnia
Red eyes
Puffy eyes
Need to write love letters
Crying for no good reason


The problem :
Wanting something you can't have, for multiple reasons
Feeling insecure because you can't have it, for multiple reasons
Feeling insecure because the feeling is one-sided, unrequited, for multiple reasons

Treatment options :
Cognitive retraining
De-addiction (intervention)

More drastic options :
Removal of Obstacle(s) [not recommended]


*
It's been so long...
It shouldn't be this hard.
You take so much out of her
And you don't even know it.
She can't trust any more.
He compliments her,
She refuses to let herself accept it.
He tells her he likes her,
She tells herself he's lying.
He goes offline, says goodbye,
And she feels insecure - lost.
You probably don't mean to,
You probably don't even know
That this is what you've done.
No, of course it's not
Your fault.
The fault is hers,
For falling in love.
The fault is hers,
For making assumptions.
It's her fault.
She's falling for him,
Being insecure,
Seeking reassurance
Every second
Of every minute
Of every hour
Of every day.
All the time.
You're on her mind
All the time
Taunting. Daring.
And you don't even know it.
Or do you?
*

Guess who's back?

I am.


No more sighing and wishing and waiting and wanting.

The real me was on vacation for a bit and was thoroughly horrified by the state of my mind on return. A little spring cleaning happened last night and early this morning... It's time to stop being pathetic.

Reality check.

So. Abu Dhabi calls again, and I leave at 4:45 in the morning on Monday, the 25th. Not looking forward to being home, as usual, but nothing new there. The thought of spending two months with la familia in a city where I know no one is just plain depressing, of course, but let's try not to think about that.

Don't get me wrong - Abu Dhabi is a beautiful place to be, as long as you're not someone in your early twenties hanging out with your parents at the mall on a Friday evening. That's just sad.

*sigh*

In other news, I now (unofficially) have an M.Sc. - yay! Graduation is in June, and I'm hoping I can make it. I missed Glasgow. I miss walking down Buchanan Street and hearing bagpipes. I miss the warmth of the people and the madness that Saturday nights bring to city centre. I miss my friends.

I should be back in Bangalore in early July...can't wait. Hopefully it will be cooler by then and I can walk out of the house without feeling faint.

That's about it for now. Time to go pick out something to wear for tonight's dinner. I'm thinking black and slinky.

Ah, Romance

I spent most of today with Boyce Avenue on my playlist, and now I'm falling in love all over again. Their covers are invariably better than the originals... I mean, they make Bruno Mars sound good.

Yeah. They're that good.

As part of research for some boring work-related project, I stumbled across several studies on what women look for in a man, and vice-versa. Which got me thinking - which is never a good thing.

So here it is...all the things I want in a man. Apart from the obvious (personal hygiene, no bad breath, good sense of humour and intelligence)

I want a man that will sing to me...sing for me. Nothing is hotter than a man with a voice...except a man who knows how to use said voice. While I would love it if he was crooning a slow, romantic song, I'd also appreciate a man that can pull off singing something absolutely nonsensical...like how frogs don't cry (song courtesy : my Silver Lining).

Ah, romance. Every woman's dream. Okay, maybe not every woman. Definitely my dream though. Interested candidates may contact me for an application form.

I'd appreciate a man that can dance...or is willing to at least try. Nothing beats being wrapped in someone's arms, swaying to music only the two of you can hear. Unless you're tiny and he's really tall - that's just all kinds of awkward. Trust me.

A man that's going to be okay with helping out around the house.

A man that loves his Mom.

A man that loves (and wants) kids.

A man that will be alright with just holding me close and letting me cry when I need to - no questions asked.

A man that understands that I have days when I feel so insecure, my biggest fear is that he'll walk out the door and find someone better... It's happened before, it can happen again. On days like that, all it takes is a long hug.

A man that doesn't hesitate to voice his opinions...but knows how to do it without being loud or obnoxious.

And I know this is a cliché, but I'd want a man who can make me feel like I'm the only woman he has eyes for.

Nothing else matters.


Check out Boyce Avenue...highly recommended by yours truly.


This is 'Just The Way You Are'



And this is 'Grenade', dedicated to my Silver Lining, who hates this song. :)



And now, I will go back to sighing and wishing for a man with a voice to fall desperately in love with me.

Silver lining : Of heartbreaks and smiles

I've never really been a weekend person. I always liked waking up in the morning and having something to do, somewhere to be, someone to meet...that morning rush or getting everything done and flying out the door to meet the day.

This morning, I lay awake in bed for the longest time. The past week has been nothing short of torture, featuring a painful heartbreak and an unexpectedly shocking reality check.

It's the kind of pain that makes your mind go numb.

I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to just lie there, close my eyes, and cry. There were no more tears, of course. I'm all out. After days of crying, I can't say I'm surprised.

My mind, always eager to over analyze, wandered to everything that happened over the past few weeks. His painful words, that heartbreaking silence...everything. I felt a heaviness I can't describe, like my heart and soul had turned to stone. It weighed me down, made me feel like I was sinking, like I couldn't breathe.

Then I remembered last night...and the night before. I remembered that I hadn't laughed like that in a long time, hadn't felt so flattered, hadn't felt so...pretty. It's amazing what a little kindness, a smile, a compliment (or ten, or twenty), can do.

I'm smiling now... I found another silver lining. A new friend... An outrageous flirt.

The pain will take time to fade, yes. Until it does, I have these few people I can count on to make me smile...and I am so very grateful.

Itai desu.

When they first met, she fell so hard, it scared her right out of her mind. And so, she did what she does best - she ran. Desperately, refusing to accept the possibility that she could really be happy.

In the three years that followed, she never got over him. He was always on her mind : His smile, the way he was always teasing her, the way he looked right into her soul every time he looked into her eyes...

Guilt? Yes, there was guilt. Guilt so strong, sometimes it felt like she couldn't breathe. It took so much effort to get out of bed every morning, to go through classes, projects, assignments, with all that guilt pulling her down, pulling her back. But the guilt was easy to deal with.

It was the pain that finally forced her to come back.


To find him in someone else's arms.

When a heart breaks, it shatters in silence. True story.

Have you ever wondered what gut-wrenching, soul-searing pain feels like?

It's the way you feel when you see what you could have had...when you know that you chose to let go of everything you ever wanted. It's knowing that you made a stupid mistake - and not being able to do anything about it but smile.

So she smiles. Puts on her mask when she meets him, puts on a smile when he talks about his girlfriend, puts up her defences whenever he puts his arms around her.

If she didn't, the pain would kill her.

She locks away that complete ease and sense of freedom she has when she's with him, forcefully reminds herself that he's happy now.

He doesn't need her.

He doesn't feel the same way.

He got over her, over what they had.

He's happy - with someone else.

Let him be. Let them be.


Nobody said it was easy...no one ever said it would be this hard.




It hurts.






(Special thanks to Miyuki-chan)

Oh, Bangalore!

It's been a while.

I had almost forgotten how good it felt to be in Bangalore - the sights, the smells, the (often frustrating) people, the noisy rickshaws, the massive buses, the horrifying traffic...everything.

The heat is unbearable, of course.

As is the pain of facing old mistakes. Wounds that you thought had healed a long, long time ago, may still be open...pass the salt, please.

How much regret can one person have? Is there a limit? What happens when you cross that limit? Does your sanity start disintegrating?

Ah, Bangalore. It's good to be back.